raining...

i just want resting my head on the pillow but still have work waiting for me, neverending work...
i'm surely not a workaholic and i feel ashamed of this. the more i'm ashamed, the more i work to defense myself but i'm still easily bored and tired. i'm still myself.

my life now is full of fears. fear of tomorrow, of next year, of my fucking future and i can't stop it. i wish if i could give up everything without hesitation, if i could loose control and let myself floating to everywhere or nowhere.

sometimes, i have a desire of shooting to my brain to stop me from thinking. the question of happiness and freedom stucks on my mind, "i don't know if i'm unhappy because i'm not free, or if i'm not free because i'm unhappy". It makes me think, it alwasys makes me think. It keeps me stay away from people even when i'm among them.

it's raining hard.

morning i will go to work. everyone's working for life, why i feel a burden when riding to office (even none has a problem with me there)
should i quit my job and relax some times? or work as freelancer at home?
i guess the best thing for me is going somewhere else.
i need a change and i am changing... gradually...